1 post tagged “monsters”

There I was last night, lying in bed, all alone, except for the cats.  I was just about to drift off to sleep when I suddenly heard a psycho killer stomping around in my attic.  Thump thump thump thump.  Or maybe it was a monster.  Or some lingering un-laid ghost from a bloody Civil War massacre.  I hate it when that happens.

Because you know what I had to do.  I got out of bed and stood under the attic door in my pajamas, cursing Hubbicula for always being gone when creepy shit happens.  When the vampires came around in Tampa, scratching on the windows, where was he?  In Classifiedistan, being shot at by jihadis.  Lucky bastard.

So, I spent a good ten minutes debating with myself about what to do.  There was no way I could go to sleep with that steady, metronome-like thumping.  It was snowing outside, so I couldn't exactly go out and look up at the roof and try to figure out what was going on.  Finally, I concluded: the odds of a psycho killer were pretty small and the odds of a monster or the ghost of one of Quantrill's Raiders were even smaller.  As for the prospect of a skwerl or a raccoon, the thumping was just too rhythmic.  It's a well known fact that except for chipmunks, critters don't have a very good sense of rhythm.

It must be the attic fan.  It's made strange noises before, creaking, rattling, squealing, but the thumping was just too loud to sleep through.  So, I got a coat and shoes and a flashlight, locked the cats in the bathroom, and pulled down the attic stairs.  I kept the flashlight up, as a weapon and a guide, and crept up the stairs until I could hit the light switch.  No raccoon, no skwerl, no psycho, no monster, and no ghost.  Just a stupid attic fan. 

In the end, I couldn't figure out why it made a thumping sound every time it rotated, so I did what any half-sane do-it-yourselfer would.  I got some twine and tied the fan blades to its support strut to keep it from rotating.  Of course, now the fan isn't doing its job, but at least I didn't have to dream about killers walking around in my attic all night.