4 posts tagged “i can't make this crazy shit up”

As I've mentioned before, my husband is doing his Master's thesis on internet pornography.  Sure, it sounds like a joke, and it makes Bobavey jealous, but that's really the bulk of his thesis.  It requires research.  (Stop laughing!)  Sometimes research yields some funny stuff. 

For example, the Adult Video Network charts for top DVD sales and rentals. #1 on the "Ethnic" DVD sales chart?
My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla 11.  11.  Eleven, my people.  My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla 1 through 10 were such big hits, how could they say no to another sequel?  (Okay, now you can laugh.)

No surprise, there are a lot of sub-categories and specialty markets.  For instance, there's a Top 50 MILF video list. #1 is Horny Latin Mothers, but #4 is a little gem called Aww Shit White Mama 4.  4.  Four, my people.

I can't make this stuff up.  There are more laughs if you dare to click the link.

I readily acknowledge that at least 50% of all the people on this planet are not particularly bright.  I used to think that of the other 50%, about half of us were crazy.  Since the internet really took off, however, I am rapidly revising my original crazy assessment upward. 

You know how I like to carouse the internet, looking for weirdness--it's one of my callings, like a kind of ministry of weirdness.  Hallelujah.  (Remember Tom Selleck? Or Ted Bundy = Israel?)  Recently, I found this crazy website.  It is primarily a message board where people can post what they consider "prophecies" of the future.  What struck me immediately was that a lot of the people posting on this site described their prophecies as having come to them in dreams. 

I've had a lot of crazy dreams, including ones in which the whole planet was destroyed by a crazy government plan to harvest geothermal energy.  I had a dream where a certain someone who shall remain nameless was assassinated.  I once dreamed that George Harrison had a sex-change operation and married Prince Charles, although maybe that was just an unflattering dream about Camilla.  My people, what can I say?  I have dreamed some crazy things.  Not once, ever, have I woken from a crazy dream and thought to myself: I bet that's going to come true.  That's a prophecy!

Of course, if as Anonymous claims, there's going to be "a catastrophic eruption of lava in central-Northwest- USA on September 29th, 2007.  MILLIONS WILL DIE,"  I'll apologize for having mocked Anonymous.  Unless I'm one of the millions killed.  Oh, and Anonymous suggests that you "PREPARE YOURSELVES."

(And speaking of Larry King, did you see the headline about Paris Hilton saying God had a plan for her in jail.  So, great, even God is riveted by the Paris Hilton story?  We got people being beheaded in Baghdad, people drowning in Texas, and God's busy making plans for Paris Hilton?  Does she think the hierarchy of wealth and fame goes all the way to the top?  My anger over this all goes back to my original instincts that I wouldn't have anything against the idea of God, if so many people who claim to believe in God didn't have completely insane ideas about their deities.)

I am an internet explorer (no, not the software).  I cruise around in the obscure corners of the web, looking for oddities.  Remember the one about Jesus being Tom Selleck?  This one is even weirder:

The folks at Bible Doctrine News would like to present for your consideration, the ways in which Ted Bundy's life is a parallel of the life span of the state of Israel.  See?  I can't make that kind of thing up.  It's too crazy to be fiction.

If you can't quite bring yourself to click on that link, just have a little taste:

Ted Bundy was one of history's most evil domestic terrorists.  A psychopathic necrophiliac and rapist who preyed upon college girls from 1973-75, he was a cold-blooded murderer.  Born a bastard and rejected by his mother, he became the servant of Bel, the ancient god of Babylon. God sent him as a sign of the diaspora, and his life paralleled the birth and rise of the nation of modern Israel.

Not crazy enough for you?  How about that story about the duck who survived being shot and refrigerated for two days.  Here's what Larry Wood--the mastermind behind Bible Doctrine News has to say about it:

The Florida duck survived two near-death experiences in her rise to fame.  Now, with the duck's picture on the weather map, it has become obvious that the angels orchestrated all this.  The duck's rise to fame is somewhat analogous to Nancy Pelosi's.  She became the first woman Speaker of the House this year after the Democrats won the elections.  She was born March 26, 1940, where 26 is for Political Babylon and 40 is for maximum divine discipline.  It was Day 86, for the Arab persecution of the Jew.  Her dad was Jewish, but she is Roman Catholic.  Her trip to the terrorist land of Gad in Asia this weekend corresponded to the Florida duck's picture over the Arizona-New Mexico desert and second near-death experience.

I don't want be too harsh on Larry, but I think he's a nutjob of the first degree.  Of course, Larry has a ready retort for me:

For those who have never made the greatest decision of life to accept the free gift of Eternal Life, please go to the Salvation page.  Otherwise, the information presented on this web site will be meaningless.  Those who aren't saved do not have a human spirit and cannot understand Spiritual information.  What's worse, it is foolishness to them.

Yes, it is, Larry.  Yes, it is.

*shit.  Censoring myself so people can read at work

You can't make shit like this up, people.  As someone who  has quite a bit of personal and professional experience with making up unbelievable shit, I'm telling you that what is about to follow could only exist in the non-fiction world.  No self-respecting fiction publisher or editor would let a thing like this fly.

A few days ago I happened across a post by Miss Scotch about her exciting days as an English tutor for the child of some Italian yoga Hindu cultists.  She posted a picture of their guru that got me started on one of my random internet searches.  That random internet search brought me here: Woman Thou Art God, The University of Mother God Church, presented by its one true prophet, Rasa Von Werder. 

I like having a little fun with religion, and cults are even more fun than mainstream religions, but sometimes...sometimes you don't have to do anything to make a cult funny.  In fact, in some cases, parody is redundant.  (Take Landover Baptist--it isn't a bit funnier than the real Baptist churches it mocks.)

In detailing her many visions and conversation with Jesus (and several other historic religious figures, this is what the website of  Woman Thou Art God has to say:

In 2002 Rasa dreamed about being married. This always means Jesus because Jesus has actually betrothed her with three rings in 1978, and married her in a mystical experience in 1982. In this dream, she's looking at her husband who is standing next to a fireplace. He is dressed in black, and He is Tom Selleck, suddenly she is shocked because she has not really seen her husband so beautiful as if she was blind before. The next scene he is on top of her making love, she knows his penis is inside of her but there is no feeling of grossness...only a feeling a divine love.

That's right, folks, Jesus appeared to her as Tom Selleck.
Here is what Rasa has to say about why Jesus appeared as Tom Selleck:

By the way, Jesus rarely appears rarely looking like the long-haired, robed person in classical art. He appears as we said, as the most handsome, sexiest man that Rasa can conceive of. Handsome and sexy means beauty, and God is beauty. On the other hand, the devil is ugly, and when he appears he is always ugly except in rare cases when he tries to fool you with outward appearance and appears attractive, but there is a sinister feeling to his looks.

Thanks, crazy lady, because regular religions don't already stress the "evil is ugly and ugly is evil" theory.  You're really breaking new ground here.  Had enough?  Me neither, let's read on:

There is a saint named Baba Muktananda that Rasa has had the closest relationship with, next to Jesus.  [One] night, [Baba] was on top of her and he was transmitting the lotion of consciousness into her being. She didn't feel anything like sex or penis, but his being on top was a symbol and a sign that he was downloading grace into her. Another time he appeared as Jean Claude Van Damme, one of Rasa's favorite stars and yet another time as the star from "The Highlander" -another super-handsome man.

Or how about Mohamed came to her in a dream as David Hasselhoff, and he was naked, holding two puppies.  Like this:

Alright, that last one, I made that up...and yet it is not as wacky as the real stuff.  Oh, and to Crixpy or Christina L'Estrange, whoever you are, who originally brought this photo to my attention: you need help.

Perhaps the bizarre part is that beyond all the total fruit and nut religious visions and spiritual sex, the website has some interesting articles on women's empowerment issues, like breastfeeding and polygamy.