2 posts tagged “grammar”

Dear Faculty Members:

Thank you all for sending me your submissions to the departmental newsletter in an almost timely fashion.  Three weeks past the deadline isn't that big a deal.  It's all good.

Because of recent kerfuffles concerning edits to the brilliant literary masterworks that you submitted, I am taking a bold new step as the editor of this newsletter.  I'm taking my name off of it.  If all you want me to do is paste in the articles you write, without making editorial improvements to your spelling, grammar, and syntax, I don't want anyone knowing that I'm the "Editor."  Frankly, I wouldn't want anyone to think that I'm at fault for the steaming pile of crap you're asking me to mail out to donors and alumni.  I have a reputation to uphold.

While we're on the subject of my reputation, I'd like to remind everyone that I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS DEPARTMENT WITH A MASTERS DEGREE IN ENGLISH.  You can stack up as many PhDs in OTHER subjects as you want and my puny little MA will still trump your PhD, because I STUDIED ENGLISH.  Specifically, I studied WRITING.  You know, the science of stringing words together into coherent sentences?  I served as an editorial intern at an international literary magazine.  I've written and edited newsletters for a dozen different organizations.  I know what I'm doing, but I can only do it if you let me.

So, from now on, you'll get what you deserve.  Copy & paste.  I won't check to make sure you haven't spelled it "Universtiy" for the ten-thousandth time.  If you won't let me fix your grammar and syntax, I'm not going to fix your spelling.  And the only person's name that'll be on it is yours.

Cheerio,

~(name redacted)

Dear everybody,

I would take it as a personal favor if all of you stopped using the false subjunctive in your writing.  I've tried to be patient, but no more.  As of today, I will no longer accept ignorance as an excuse--let this letter serve as your warning.

The subjunctive mood in English is sometimes also referred to as the conditional, because it often describes a situation that would occur only if certain conditions were met.  (The subjunctive mood is also useful when you wish to discuss a proposal, a request, a regret, or a demand.)  The subjunctive, and with it the conditional verbs (would, could, should, and ought), do not describe situations which have already occurred in the past.  English has a variety of verb tenses to address things which have happened, but the subjunctive/conditional is not among them. 

For example: If I were a violent person, I would be tempted to slap people who use the false subjunctive.  Luckily for everyone, I am not.  See how that describes a situation where nothing has happened, because a condition for action wasn't met? 

Here is the incorrect example that set me off this morning, from an article on CNN, about some cave explorers who became lost:

By 1 a.m. Sunday, 12 hours into their journey, the explorers realized they were out of food. At times over the next 36 hours, two at a time would venture to find an exit and try to stay in contact with the others by yelling.

The rest tried to take turns resting, using their backpacks to shield them from the cold floor. For water, they would find puddles in rock crevices or lick droplets from the ceiling.

Would?  Did this happen or not?  Did they venture out to find an exit?  Did they find puddles of water to drink?  Well, according to this "journalist," no, they did not.  A simple test to discover if you're using the false subjunctive: did it happen?  If the answer is no, not yet, you could use a conditional verb.  If the answer is yes, back away from the would.  If something indeed happened, you need to use the past tense. The explorers ventured to find an exit.  The explorers found puddles of water to drink. 

Even if something happened on a regular basis in the past, you still need to use the past tense.  Not When I was a kid, we would ride our bikes everywhere, but When I was a kid, we rode our bikes everywhere.  (And Margaret Atwood--shame on you.  You probably never got my letter, but you know better and using the false subjunctive for stylistic purposes is just tedious for the reader.)

Between text messaging, MTV, and the chavs of the world, English has taken a lot of damage in the last 50 years.  Please, don't kick it while it's down.  Sure, when you use the false subjunctive, people still know what you mean, but it's useless clutter.  It's completely unnecessary in conversation, but it's nearly unforgiveable in the written word.  It is the writing equivalent of including every um, uh, and like that we carelessly use in conversation.

If you were so kind as to follow these guidelines, I would be ever so grateful.

Redzilla