2 posts tagged “freshman”

One of the things I love most about the beginning of the school year is seeing the new freshmen making friends and starting over.  College can be a place where no on knows you as Booger, the kid who ate his boogers in third grade.  No one remembers that you vomited on yourself in fifth grade or broke a bra strap in seventh grade.  It's a clean slate.  I love to watch that at work.

Yesterday I was at the Union, riding in an elevator with a freshman.  I could tell by a certain rawness about him.  On the second floor, a girl got on, also clearly a freshman.  He took the plunge and make a remark about her t-shirt--something to do with vegetarianism.  The girl said, "Yeah, I hate how the Union doesn't have very many vegetarian lunch options." 
"Yeah, I know," said the guy.  I don't believe for an instant that Freshman Guy is a vegetarian, but he'd made a very decent, good faith play, so I gave him a hand. 
I said, "Hey, on Thursdays, the Ecumenical Campus Ministries has a donation vegetarian lunch.  You should check it out."
"Really?" said the girl.  She was thinking of lunch.
"It's just around the corner from here.  Just out the front doors and half a block up.  You should go now before it gets crowded."
"You want to walk over with me?" the guy said.  He was thinking of the girl.
She gave me that look.  The younger woman to older woman question look.  I gave her the nod.  He looked okay to me and he was trying.
"Yeah," she said. 
At the fourth floor, they got off together.  New friends.

I'm a regular Romance Samaritan.

Dear Freshmen,

Welcome to college.  I hope you learn a lot and broaden your horizons--there really is more to the world than you heard about in Podunk, Kansas.  I'm glad you're here, because your tuition pays my salary.  So be sure to pay promptly; my mortgage is due the first of each month.  Now that you're here, however, let's just run over a few quick ground rules that will help all of us get along better in these first few weeks.

1. If you're walking along with four of your friends, please leave a reasonable space on one side to allow people traveling in the opposite direction to get past you.  If you do make the mistake of walking five-abreast and you encounter me, one of you will certainly be injured, and on my good days, I'll get two of you by taking my share of the sidewalk out of the middle.  I may look harmless, but I will hurt you and it won't be an accident.  You'll get an elbow in your kidney as we pass, or I'll step on your unprotected flip-flop-wearing toes, or my large backpack will slip off my shoulder and slam into you.  As you may not yet know what I look like, I recommend following this precautionary guideline at all times.
2. Similarly, do not stand in the cafeteria line talking to your new friend behind the counter while I'm trying to get lunch.  I only have an hour and if you steal 10 minutes of it, there will be dire consequences.  I may not be the secretary in your department, but when you inconvenience a secretary, there is karmic retribution.  Someday your time sheet may go missing, or your add/drop permission form may be filled out incorrectly and ultimately, it will be because once you stole ten minutes of a secretary's lunch hour.
3. As for you, Class Act in the bathroom stall next to mine, consider this your one and only warning.  If you come into the bathroom and stall #3 is occupied, you have four other toilet stall choices.  You can go into stalls #1, 5, 6, or 7.  Never, never, never go into stalls #2 and 4.  Once you're in your stall, you can blow it up.  That's what it's there for, but do not ever take out your cell phone and begin talking while you're in the middle of taking a crap.  If you insist on taking the stall next to mine and talking on your phone, do not be surprised when I yell, "OH MY GOD!  WHAT IS THAT SMELL?  FUCKING CHRIST, LADY, IS YOUR ASS ROTTING OFF?  THAT SHIT IS BURNING THE HAIR OUT OF MY NOSE!  COULD I GET A COURTESY FLUSH?"  Also, when you come out of the stall and I'm giving you the stink eye, don't waste your breath saying, "That's so rude," because all I'm going to say is, "You know what's rude?  Treating the bathroom like a phone booth.  Get some fucking manners, you little twat."
4. If you're nice to us, we'll be nice to you.  If you have a question, you can ask it.  If you need help, just say so.  If you're lost, just point hopelessly at your map.  I recognize the universal gesture for "Oh hell, where am I going?"  I even have a time machine that lets me travel back to yesterday and unfuck whatever mistake you made with your paperwork.  All you have to do is say, "Excuse me, could you..."  And at the end, just say, "Thank you."

Sincerely,
Redzilla