QotD: I Bought This Just For You, Sucker
I don't just re-gift. I'm a freaking kung-fu master of re-gifting. While I'm opening a present, I'm already figuring out who I can re-gift it to. I am a break-dancing, fire-eating, holding-your-holiday-generosity-hostage-for-ransom re-gifting evil genius.
Think I'm exaggerating? I hold the world record for quickest re-gift turn around.
At my farewell party, when I left my church secretary job, one of the parishioners with whom I worked a lot brought me a gift. Beautifully bundled up in pastel tissue paper and sheathed in an artisan-crafted gift bag, the gift was a candle holder and candle. Or more accurately, a big ugly puddle of wax in a glass bowl, because that's what it would have been after traveling 2,000 miles sealed in the back of a Penske moving truck in the middle of July. Come on, all ye faithful. A candle? At least I could have thrown a card away.
I'm no shmo, I already had a plan. Less than 19 minutes later, I was sitting down to lunch with a friend of mine--another farewell lunch. My friend loves candles, and wasn't that sweet of me to bring her a present?
Why? Why the re-gifting? you may wonder. The only thing I hate more than giving gifts is receiving gifts. It's not that I lack generosity, but that I hate gifts. I hate the uncertainty and the need to pretend pleasure when all I feel is horror. I hate the awkward moment when I'm trying to cover up my horror, or when I'm witnessing someone else's horror. I hate how gift-giving is so much more about the giver than the receiver. I hate how rarely my personal tastes enter into gift selection. Above all I hate junk. I hate knick-knacks that crap up my house. I hate all things useless and inelegant. I hate clothing that has embroidered flowers and birdhouses on it, or clothing that is 3 sizes too large or 2 sizes too small. I hate bath gift sets and perfume. I hate candles. I hate soup mixes and Amish friendship bread. I hate things with my name on them. I hate 94% of all gadgets. I hate gift cards to Sears photo studios. I hate plastic fish tanks. God, how I hate fucking plastic fish tanks. (You really want a little glimpse into my soul, go head, click on that link.) I hate that trip to the Salvation Army after gift season, to drop off all the things I didn't manage to re-gift or frankly didn't have the stomach to visit upon some other unsuspecting soul.
So, re-gifting. Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah. My goal is for the sun never to go down on an unwanted to gift in my house.
Comments
You express our feelings SO well, Red. And, I say, god bless ya, and yer regifting! Tis better to regift than recieve! :D
Ha! I don't think regifting is a bad thing, as long as it's not something like used socks. So my rule #1 - Used gifts can't be regifted.
I'm not a fan of trinkets and other such junk. Don't buy me a useless/non-functional piece of crap from the Hallmark store. Buy me a beer instead.
Could have all been prevented by some judiciously provided alcohol, I bet.
LOL on all of this and the comments. I like gifts of alcohol (vodka or GOOD champagne) or sex (GOOD sex)... everything else goes in the junk heap... including the "oh so funny" collection of sex "toy" gag gifts from coworkers. I mean, puhleeze.... if you're gonna spend the money, at least get me something I can USE!
ok ok, after reading this, you have convinced me of the need to regift....
now to find the first appropriate soul....LOL
This is great.
This is one of the reasons I hate Christmas. The Obligation. To Give and Receive Gifts. I just tell people, gift cards. If you want me to be happy, gift cards. easy peasy japanesey. I don't need any more stuff. I'm trying to get rid of stuff. I would however appreciate a spa treatment or some good food from Trader Joe's.
It's all been said here so I won't get into it any more.
Gah - Valerae! That's an abomination! Thomas Kinkade is awful enough - but I though Lennox had more class than that. Eeeeuwww. You need to take it to a White Elephant party and hope you come back with something less obnoxious that has some functionality.
Redz - My brother's girls get real presents and the junky stuff gets handed out as soon as I walk in the door to help take the edge off their exuberance. Kind of like giving an excited dog a treat so he'll go off and leave you alone for a little while. I love them, but as we all know "Aunt Amy lives alone with a cat."
Now with the link ..."Aunt Amy lives alone with a cat."
When my time with Elvis is over, then I'll adopt two cats. I hope that won't be for a while.
As for gift cards: My family has a habit of buying me heavy, breakable presents which is oh so convenient to take back on an airplane or have shipped. Just yesterday I told my sister-in-law there were some small kitchen appliances (for my small kitchen) and I'd rather her get me a Target gift card so I can get them at the store by my house. Hey, I'm a practical gal.
I think my sister is/was one of those people who thought/thinks gift cards were too impersonal. Funk dat, what's impersonal is getting a crappy gift I don't want or need! Though I can't direct that completely at her. We are pretty good at getting halfway decent (returnable) gifts for each other I htink. But my sister tends to 'out-think' me. I tell her exactly what I want and she gets me something 'better'. ARGH! I'm so sick of all my friggin life people thinking I don't know what I want and then doing something behind my back for me like I am some knd of helpless retard.
LOL Amy--reminds me of a couple Seinfeld episodes, lugging big boxes onto planes or subways...also good is an Amazon giftcard, you can use it right over the internet and stuff comes right to your house! & sometimes you can get it thru Target, depending on what it is.
Oh...a couple years ago my oldest sister gave me a fucking plastic reindeer as a joke. I thought it was from my nephews, like they really wanted to give it to me (they were like 7 & 5) so I had to act like I liked it & stuck it on my porch furniture in case they stopped by. Then I was talking to my sister and she sheepishly says "hehe, I thought it was cute." I was like....WHAT?!!! the boys didn't pick that out & make you buy it??? Nope.
At first I thought they were crazy (from my pov at age 19) but now I realize they are brilliant.
Bahaha! Cranky - you got Yard Art! I f&*(#%ng hate Yard Art.
There's a house in the town over from mine in Michigan that has a Snow White and Seven Dwarfs diorama, complete with lights to illuminate the scene at night. I thought I was going to have a stroke. My mom said she would send me one concrete dwarf a year until I had the complete set. Anytime we pass a place that sells concrete yard art, she says, "I bet they have your Snow White, should we stop?"
I admit, though, I like bathtub Maries. There's just something so brilliantly homemade and Dust Bowl desperate about them that charms me.
And is it Maries? I thought about dropping the Y, but it still seemed essential.
I like some tacky kind of stuff just for tackiness sake. I mean, it's fun to visit it anyway. I gave my sister (reindeer sister) a set of plastic flamingoes last year for Christmas. She actually liked them but I don't think she eve rput them out. There is a house near me (used to be 2 but one was vandalized too many times I guess) that would have whole flamingo setups, like back to skool themes, complete with blackboard and one flamingo with a dunce cap in the corner...It's actually really cute & the house is nice.
But I frigging hate all the blow up Christmas crap. My neighborhood has a lot of twin homes with tiny yards and people still crap them to the max with that shit.
I personally like candles - but not candle shops. I hate candle shops. They stink the whole area out with Christmas smells competing with vanilla (puke in an aroma), rose and lavender and sometimes, god why, cinnamon and chocolate!
I concur--why in hell would anyone want a candle that smelled edible? Barf-tastic.
sorry i just really don't like MK so called art.
nope, it's Thomas Kinkade!
either way it's CRAP!
chocolates? truffles? Sweets? Thumbs up!
I'm just so over Christmas already---but ya know, if I am going to do shopping I better do it now before it gets really scary.....
Oh, wow! An honest-to-goodness bitchfest going on over here! I'm joining in, adding my contempt for Thomas Kincade items and those blow-up yard ornaments that dwarf the houses they're supposed to decorate.
What about when people add to your collection of something, assuming you have the same tastes? Once, a new friend saw two bears on a shelf at my house and assumed I was collecting them - they were my niece's - and I couldn't figure out why she kept giving me bears. Stuffed, banks, covers, mugs, what the hell? It stopped the day she brought a metal tray over that she'd bought at a garage sale and I finally asked her. She was a bit embarrassed, but I still get really crappy ones from her now and then as a joke.
But I love Christmas!
I once belonged to a message board on which the "artist" had, by fiat, to be only referred to as "Thomas FUCKING Kinkade", preferably as "Kink-aide", or most preferably, not at all. Mofo cult, if ya ask me.
I heard, with much horror, about the Illinois habit of putting concrete geese out on your yard and dressing them seasonally. W. T. F.
Another bad thing about those inflatables is when they're not on... so all you have is a melted snowman, butchered reindeer, and Hannibal Lecter-ed Santa. Probably causing trauma for decades to come for children.
Basically, our gang of friends just points to our Amazon Wish List for each other.
When we got married, Husband's UK aunt and uncle sent us a rather large, heavy crystal paperweight/doorstopper thingy with elephants cut into it in bas-relief. The note with it said: "we thought we would get you something that would remind your Indian bride of her heritage."
WTF?
The funniest thing is, they weren't even Indian elephants, they were African elephants.
I sold it in a yard sale.
We still laugh about it.
Ohhhhhh BA---that's great/horrible!!!
Yeah...The Collection people.
Damn I hate it when people do that to me. I really don't want a house full of crappy chihuahua junk. Just look on eBay to see how much tackyass chihuahua (or whichever breed you want) junk there is. NO I don't want it. YES I like some unique/artsy/even kitschy stuff. let ME determine what it is that I want. Same with the S&P shakers. People started giving them to me, and i'm like...I don't treat it like it's a contest and whoever has the most, wins. I pick up neat ones that I like, not just any old crap. Okay, I have gotten a little carried away & gotten ones that I shouldn't have, but still.
That's just unspeakable, BA.
(And I was pissed last year when my mother-in-law sent me a gift card to Sears Portrait Studio for my birthday. So her son and I would have our pictures taken and send her one. How is that a birthday gift for me?)
Lurker, it's not just Illinois. It was a big craze in Missouri too, and it's tapered off quite a bit, but for a while many normally tasteful people had them. Yes, you buy seasonal outfits for your white goose.
I had the bad judgement to buy a smaller, very cute version blow-up for a holiday. One day when it was in its "melted" state, a dog pooped on it, and that was it for me. Gave it to Goodwill.
I've never regifted, but wouldn't be opposed to it should the need arise. I've been the victim of it though: last year, my Orthodox Jewish boss gave me a Christmas present. At first I was impressed because he is NOT the type of person to acknowledge that other humans exist on the planet, much less buy them gifts. I opened up the box and discovered this hideous Fiddler on the Roof statuette. It was even broken where the statue and the base meet. Seeing as he made a teeny effort, I pretended to be thankful and then immediately told everyone in the office that they had to see this thing. The funny things about this are (a) I LOATHE musicals with all my heart (except for "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" because I'm such a nerd about Latin and the Romans) and (b) Was raised Methodist but am not religous in any way, shape or form. Needless to say, it never left my cube.
Which brings us to the current day. The topic of regifting came up amongst some coworkers and myself, and of course, the statue gets mentioned. I tell the new guy in the group that I'll dig it up so he can see it - and it wasn't there! After some more digging and hunting, I discover that the terribly cheap Star of David paperweight that was a "souvenir" from the boss' trip to Israel was missing too. Usually in these situations one suspects the cleaning crew - but not me. I've left money, my ipod, other things of much more value sitting on my desk overnight. My boss, who is retiring soon, took the gifts back. Now all I'm left with is a link and a story.
As for Thomas Kinkade, I loved the stories of his being sued by all his authorized dealers and the story of him peeing on a statue of Winnie the Pooh while he was drunk at Disneyland. His escapades were the topic of a section of "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me," and it was very funny to hear Carl Kassel from NPR say "Painter of Light - Registered Trademark" every time Kinkade's name was said.
http://www.thomaskinkade.com/magi/servlet/com.asucon.ebiz.home.web.tk.HomeServlet
I find this to be more disturbing than the David Hasselhoff video I posted last night.
And who does this guy think he is? Like he's got anything on Titian?
Oh, and nice touch the Jewish boss gave you a Fiddler on the Rood statue for Christmas...
That was a great "Wait, Wait" episode. I was rolling. I just went to look for it but I didn't see way to search.
And I don't collect cows, but since people see cows and think of me, I get lots of them. One of the best parts of getting divorced has been the absence of bad cow-related gifts from my mother-in-law.
It's amazing what cow stuff is out there. I have a Christmas sweatshirt with cows and cactus, which is ironic since I now live in Arizona. I do wear it once a year, when I'm feeling silly. My favorite and the weirdest-combo-yet-freakishly-appropriate is the refrigerator magnet of a cow playing a saxophone. I mean, c'mon? Now how many people out there grew up on a farm AND play the sax. Just me, I'm thinking.
I don't know what's worse, BA's Elephant or Michelle's statue. I think the fact that the boss stole the statue back might give Michelle the edge. :-)
I just discovered Wait Wait on my local public radio station about a month ago and try to catch every show now. I've loved Carl Kassel for years doing the news, he's an absolute crack-up on that show. I don't think I stopped giggling during Amy Sedaris' entire segment last week.
There was also a Law & Order: Criminal Intent that had a murderer that was loosely based on Thomas Kinkade - that was fun too.
I wish I could remember who the guest was on that Wait, Wait ep - that might make it easier to find, yet it seems like a Herculean task to remember...
Another girl in the office has a Jewish boss too, but she got an ipod for Christmas 2 years ago, and Wicked tickets last year. Short end of the stick, anyone?
So I just end up throwing away all of the crap, like the $2 matching watch and earring sets and $.50 stuffed animals (seriously family, I'm fucking 23 and you are NOT my boyfriend, stop with the stuffed animals). Yup, that's right, I'm not even nice enough to give it to goodwill. It all goes in the trash.
If only people would just give me money. I wouldn't even care how much. If you only want to spend $5 on me, then give me a $5 bill! Or hell, give me $5 in quarters so I can do laundry!
People seriously need to learn how to be efficient and practical... it would make the world a much better place. And probably end world poverty and cure cancer too.
OMG Valarae. Congrats to your inlaws... I've been trying to talk people into this for YEARS!! Except, don't even bother with the money exchange. Just get yourself gifts, wrap them with a "From" tag, and then everyone gets to unwrap gifts to find out what they gave you. Same surprise... no horrid gifts and no going over budget for anyone but yourself. Everyone wins!!
Elissa: then you know that nobody gives a worse gift than an Italian Catholic aunt. I don't know why...maybe it's part of the Rosary. (Ten Hail Mary's, an Our Father and don't forget a crappy Christmas present for your niece. Preferably something that's already packaged as a "gift set" for the holidays. The tackier the better. Amen.)
w00t, RedZ! Looks like many kindred spirits are here.
Sincerely,
IslandGirl
Brilliant!