In dreams Jesus looks like Tom Selleck

You can't make shit like this up, people.  As someone who  has quite a bit of personal and professional experience with making up unbelievable shit, I'm telling you that what is about to follow could only exist in the non-fiction world.  No self-respecting fiction publisher or editor would let a thing like this fly.

A few days ago I happened across a post by Miss Scotch about her exciting days as an English tutor for the child of some Italian yoga Hindu cultists.  She posted a picture of their guru that got me started on one of my random internet searches.  That random internet search brought me here: Woman Thou Art God, The University of Mother God Church, presented by its one true prophet, Rasa Von Werder. 

I like having a little fun with religion, and cults are even more fun than mainstream religions, but sometimes...sometimes you don't have to do anything to make a cult funny.  In fact, in some cases, parody is redundant.  (Take Landover Baptist--it isn't a bit funnier than the real Baptist churches it mocks.)

In detailing her many visions and conversation with Jesus (and several other historic religious figures, this is what the website of  Woman Thou Art God has to say:

In 2002 Rasa dreamed about being married. This always means Jesus because Jesus has actually betrothed her with three rings in 1978, and married her in a mystical experience in 1982. In this dream, she's looking at her husband who is standing next to a fireplace. He is dressed in black, and He is Tom Selleck, suddenly she is shocked because she has not really seen her husband so beautiful as if she was blind before. The next scene he is on top of her making love, she knows his penis is inside of her but there is no feeling of grossness...only a feeling a divine love.

That's right, folks, Jesus appeared to her as Tom Selleck.
Here is what Rasa has to say about why Jesus appeared as Tom Selleck:

By the way, Jesus rarely appears rarely looking like the long-haired, robed person in classical art. He appears as we said, as the most handsome, sexiest man that Rasa can conceive of. Handsome and sexy means beauty, and God is beauty. On the other hand, the devil is ugly, and when he appears he is always ugly except in rare cases when he tries to fool you with outward appearance and appears attractive, but there is a sinister feeling to his looks.

Thanks, crazy lady, because regular religions don't already stress the "evil is ugly and ugly is evil" theory.  You're really breaking new ground here.  Had enough?  Me neither, let's read on:

There is a saint named Baba Muktananda that Rasa has had the closest relationship with, next to Jesus.  [One] night, [Baba] was on top of her and he was transmitting the lotion of consciousness into her being. She didn't feel anything like sex or penis, but his being on top was a symbol and a sign that he was downloading grace into her. Another time he appeared as Jean Claude Van Damme, one of Rasa's favorite stars and yet another time as the star from "The Highlander" -another super-handsome man.

Or how about Mohamed came to her in a dream as David Hasselhoff, and he was naked, holding two puppies.  Like this:

Alright, that last one, I made that up...and yet it is not as wacky as the real stuff.  Oh, and to Crixpy or Christina L'Estrange, whoever you are, who originally brought this photo to my attention: you need help.

Perhaps the bizarre part is that beyond all the total fruit and nut religious visions and spiritual sex, the website has some interesting articles on women's empowerment issues, like breastfeeding and polygamy.