Half life
After seven years of marriage, this is the thing I still can't get used to: only half my life is my own. The other half I share with the husband. Maybe it's because I married rather later in life than most people, but I still find myself making plans, having intentions for my time that don't come to fruition. Hubby wants to go to a movie with some of his friends tonight. The friends, they are not people I would spend much time with, but they're pleasant enough when sober. Hubby wants to see the new Aronofsky film The Fountain, which is not...how to put delicately...on my top ten list of must-see movies for December. I would prefer to see Stranger than Fiction. Or failing that, I'd prefer to stay home and write. It's your basic trivial marital difference.
It's true, I'm a hermit, and there are many things that I would put second to staying home and writing, but Hubby is a bit of a social butterfly. Today, he sent me an e-mail about an end-of-semester party for his workplace. It's out in the country, and we have to ride a group bus to get there. It strikes fear into my heart. We must ride the bus there, and we must wait until the party is over in order to ride the bus back. Trapped. No escape. I feel myself digging in my heels already, looking for ways to avoid this party that won't be clearly linked to my own social truculence.
I cook dinner, when I would prefer to go without. I hold conversations when I'd rather be writing. I'm not fit to live with other humans. I am so jealous of my time that it makes me surly, and that's given that I usually get to spend at least an hour a day at work writing. (Okay, sometimes several hours a day, but also sometimes, like today, no hours a day writing, because there are too many interruptions.)
I don't marvel at all that professional writers can manage to raise families and still write, but I do marvel that aspiring writers get anything done, when their time isn't their own. Because although half my time isn't my own, at least the other half is. With children, I imagine it gets whittled down dramatically, until a person is lucky to get 10% of her time to herself. Sometimes it's hard enough to keep my half, when I'm faced with the kittehs, who must have their share of my day.
Comments
So...why do you have to go to the movie with him? I mean, of course you want to spend time with him, but you're in a darkened room where you aren't talking anyway...so why not just let him go with his friends? If I ever get married, it is imperative that we do our separate things sometimes. I had a BF once who was invited by his neighbors to go to a comedy club in AC while I was getting stoned & becoming a part of my friend's couch. He showed up & asked if I wanted to go and I said, dude, I ain't moving off this couch, but if you want to go, go right ahead! and he was all dejected & like, no, that's okay....mwah-mwahMWAHHHH...and after a while I knew he really wanted to go so I practically insisted he went and it was like telling a kid he could have whichever brand new bike he wanted. I was like, geez....I hold you to go the first time, I dson't expect someone to follow me around like a puppy dog, ick!
I can understand you not wanting to go to that party though...I'm sure hubby wants you to be there, but he knows you aren't gonna be happy being stuck there...so he can just go and say "Oh, Redzilla had to destroy someone's Tokyo tonight..."or something...
I seriously don't think I could be married, unless it was to someone with an exciting life that led me all over the world in style, and/or he went away a lot.
This is why I don't want kids. I'm entirely too selfish of my time and options. I am lucky in that my husband is as independant-minded as I am. I would never force him to tag along on an activity I know he doesn't like, and vice versa, although sometimes we will happily indulge the other. We even take separate trips and vacations. I mean, we love to travel together, but if one of us has an opportunity to go somewhere fun, and the other one can't take the time off, we just go by ourselves. It's great.
The shortbus party sounds like a horror. Don't do it, Red!
Yeah, we do a lot of things separately, which is what fills me with guilt when I try to get out of those things we do together. Except for the bus party. No guilt.
Okay, Mathilde--your mom!!! Holy crap. Was it hard to find excuses for less than excellent performance with someone who'd accomplished that?
I'm not even CLOSE to getting married anytime soon, so I don't have any married-life type support, but I do want to say that I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL re the desire to be a hermit. Most of the time, I'd just rather be by myself. I have no qualms about eating by myself, sitting by myself, spending lots of time by myself. Whenever I get to go and do stuff with my friends, I always have that little "Why am I not at home?" question buzzing around my head. I prefer the horses over the people. I have my own little agenda that doesn't depend on anyone else, and when that gets messed up, I get pretty out of whack. Like when I go home for the holidays and the parents are all up in my grill.
Social truculence my left butt-cheek. I'd be running the other way as soon as the bus was mentioned.
i'd be trying to get out of the country bus-party too..
He hates last minute plans, and when my friends come up with something last minute (Renaissance Festival) and he had planned to stay home and watch football, he stayed and I went, and we both had a mahvelous time! But, to really let go of guilt takes a conscious effort.
You have to decide not to feel guilty cuz sometimes it sneaks in. And, it's SO stupid!
Also, I HATE to be anywhere without my own transportation, too. Don't trap me somewhere with a bunch of people!! aaaaaaa!
Oh, good news!!!! Hubby had to do a project for work, so I am at home writing! Ask and ye shall receive.
Glad to know I am not alone in feeling totally freaked by this party bus thing.