Another day older and deeper in debt
It's probably not the best sign in the world when the phrase that describes how you're feeling is lifted straight from a Merle Travis lament on coal mining. I'd like to say that I don't owe my soul to the company store, but since I owe my soul to the bank, it's not much different.
The debt part I've been feeling for several weeks, but I didn't feel older until the new faculty hire came in to get her keys. She's ten years younger than I am, just finished her Ph.D., and this is her first real teaching job--an assistant professorship. It's a big deal, the kind of thing that you have to work hard to get. I have to keep reminding myself that the reason this 20-something little pipsqueak has achieved this is that it's what she wanted. I have to remind myself that I didn't want the PhD or the professorship. Sometimes, working in this environment, it's hard to remember that.
All the same, here I am, the day before my 37th birthday and I feel tired. I ought to feel a bit cheered up. Unlike 2007, which was a zero sum year on the writing/publishing front, 2008 has been quite a bit better. I've had five short stories accepted for publication* and I've gotten a few nibbles on one of my novels. Still, it seems like there's so much work ahead of me with no guarantee of results. I guess I am getting old, because I think I need a nap.
*For my friends, who are curious, here's a list of the upcoming publications.
Comments
That means I'm 3 years older than dirt!
welllll, get used to the naps, they will help you survive. and hey don't look so glum, it's been a pretty good year except the Hubbicula being a million miles away, and tomorrow you are having cake for dinner. and breakfast and lunch.
/sunshine up your butt
back to my own hell
I used to feel inadequate when my sisters would come to family gatherings with their news of new homes and new pregnancies and all that stuff that makes everybody else ooh and aaah. Then I had to remind myself that those weren't my goals, just like you did with the PhD and the teaching.
Now I'm reaching one of my goals and finally my mom is proud of me. Except she proudly told me that she described my book as science fiction to a friend of hers. (It's not.)
I was going to [this is good] this but that's only because I feel your pain, not because it's good to have these feelings.
Ever since I passed 35 a couple years back (in the middle of being 37 right now), I've struggled a lot with feelings of not quite inadequacy, but of 'un-accomplishment'. I know I could have been more successful, have a more powerful job, maybe married with kids, etc. I often feel a strong desire to not want to see many days after I hit 40. That's a tough one lately and I need to figure out how to shake it.
But then I look back and see that I've overcome a lot of obstacles, I have great friends and family, I have a great job that brings me satisfaction if not great financial renumeration, and I'm having a great time. Even if all the younger, hungier up-and-comers are nipping at my heels.
Thanks for the link to where we can read Redzilla! It's wonderful to see all your work is starting to get attention.
Chin up, Red. I have many friends in the library who have gone on to get their MLIS degrees. Sometimes I feel like a slacker and I have considered it. Basically, the higher you go the farther away from books you work and the more you have to work with librarians. I remind myself of those things and then it's ok.
The wisdom is in knowing what you don't want as well as what you do want. No matter how old you are.
Sure the 30s are fun but when you get to your 40s and beyond, the 30s start looking a little naive. Trust me, you won't even be the same person you are right now.
I know, and it bugs me that I'm having momentary freak-outs. Next thing I know, I'll be buying that motorcycle I wanted to get immediately after my divorce and start picking up 23-year old hotties. Maybe I'll just pick up 23-year olds and skip the motorcycle.
I hear what you are saying. I would never EVER go through my 20s again. Gah. I'm not even the same person I was in my early 30s. I just need to keep remembering that it keeps getting better.
Okay, that's enough of my own psychoanalysis on Redz' post. :-P
I tell you what, when I was in the Cote d'Azur visiting a cousin a few years back, all I wanted to do was sell everything I owned, move to France and buy a motorcycle. OMG. It was so cool to see all the Europeans whizzing around these mountain roads on their crotch rockets and wearing full leather outfits. Hot hot hot.
No Harley muscle bike for me. I want sleek and sexy.
Arizona is a good place for motorcycle rides. Hmm...
Thanks for the list of publications, that's terrific!
You're a very young person.
So, now that it's your birthday, are you going to get a crotch rocket? LOL
Happy Birthday from one old fart to another. =)
Debt blows goats. Seriously. I suppose filing for bankruptcy is not the best idea? I've thought about it, though not enough to look into details.